The last few months have honestly been a revelation. I have discovered so much about certain people in my life. Jealousy and envy are the only explanation for it all. Have I experienced it, that feeling of envy, that feeling of jealousy? Absolutely, but have I ever made people feel my jealousy or envy or hurt them verbally or physically, never. So, what I don’t understand is those that do. Don’t we want the best for the ones we love? Don’t we want to see the closest people to us being happy? Even if that takes something away from us?
Human nature is such that we will all experience one or the other and indeed in some instances both at the same time. For those who don’t know the distinction between the two it is simple, jealousy is a state of mind that makes you feel threatened that something you have is being taken away and Envy is a reaction to lacking something.
Let’s think about this, being jealous is a feeling of insecurity, fear and concern whereas envy is about the lack of possessions, status or something of great value. However, feeling something whether it is jealousy or envy or both does not mean that we should voice it or make someone feel inferior because of it. We should hold the green-eyed monster at bay and think before we open our mouths. I often say to my son ‘engage brain before opening mouth and use the filter that god gave you’ and that people, filter is your brain.
Certain people say things that are hurtful and those that do it deliberately are just plain nasty but there are those that are oblivious to their hurtful words. They don’t seem to realise what they say can hurt or do they? I often say that life is a learning curve and part of that learning is how to relate to others and recognise the feelings of others.
There are people in the world that have so much, a good job, money and many friends but they are still unhappy about their lives and still feel envy and jealousy over another, even though that other person has a fraction of what they have. Why is that? In order to explain this I need to tell you a story.
Envy and Jealousy is affecting one of my friends. She is one of those people that will never go out of her way to hurt another. In fact, sometimes I feel that she is too good and hence I am feeling her pain and sadness over the recent events.
She is divorced and lives with her loved ones who she treasures above all else. They all share a home together and have tackled all the hardships life has thrown at them, lack of money, potential homelessness and heartache, but they have each other. My friend is never alone and she is happy. Now, she has a friend who is single, lives alone does not have children but has a great lifestyle, a good job and earns quite well. Therefore, you would think that the friend who appears to have everything is happy and contented in her life. However, what one considers as having everything is relative.
Yet, she seems to be the unhappy one. She is constantly berating her, saying things to bring her down, and indeed trying hard to separate her from those that love her. Now what is this all about? The more I listen to the stories the more I realise this women is lonely and jealous, not of her friends loved ones per se. I think more about not having any herself, the companionship that comes with being surrounded by loved ones. I think she feels that they take her friend away from her; it is about wanting this beautiful friend all to herself and feeling that it’s not fair that she is alone. This is jealousy and her envy is derived from not having companionship. She does not understand how a person can be happy when they do not have money, not attending fancy parties and can’t shop until they drop. It is sad that a person who has so much can still feel these emotions and my conclusions are simple, she is insecure, not contented and is missing something in her life.
This jealous person has said many hurtful things and if one were to put all the words together she has called her a ‘stupid begging dog’ nice one!!! Does she mean this? No, I do not believe she does. I think this is the green-eyed monster coming out. She is trying to make her friend feel inadequate and as sad as she does. She however does not realise she is pushing her away even though her intention is to keep her close.
I feel angry that a mature adult can behave in such away. Maybe if loved ones surrounded her all day and every day, she would understand sympathy and empathy. I think the bitterness in some people over what others have, something that they are lacking in their own lives makes them behave in a way that makes the other person feel as low as them or indeed in some instances they want the other person to feel jealousy and envious of what they have. Why? Does it make them feel better?
Interestingly, I also noticed that some people will not introduce their circle of friends to each other; they feel they lose something if these people find real friendship in each other. They feel that they will be left out. I find this odd; would you not want all of your friends to like each other? Would that not make your social life so much better and easier?
As friends, we talk about things that are happening in our lives. My son may annoy me and I tell my closest friend. Now what do I expect a friend to say ‘don’t worry he will understand soon’ or ‘he’s probably going through something and will eventually snap out of it’ or words to that affect. Some people on the other hand would say ‘you can throw him out soon’ or he’s a bad person, he doesn’t love you’ What does that say about them, jealous and envious!!!!
My brother was another one who hated the closeness I had with my mother and he was so insecure, he wanted her to himself, did everything in his power to separate us, and achieved his goal. In my mind, he was both envious and jealous. He saw my mother as his and wanted her all to himself, he felt I was taking her away from him but also he could not bear the relationship we had, as he could not develop that same kind connection with her. So separating us meant he no longer had a rival. It was sad.
I use to spend a lot of time with a friend of mine from years back; we were joined at the hip and went everywhere together. I was 10 years younger than she was and for years never realised how envious she was of my youth. It did not help when we went to Kenya on holiday. We were leisurely lying in the pool and a women came up to us and said’ it must be lovely being on holiday with your daughter’ I remember the horror on my friends face. After that holiday, we saw each other less and less and I did not realise why for some time. However, she never said anything hurtful to me; she never had a dig about it. She recognised that this bothered her so much that she simply moved away. I was not taking anything away from her but her insecurity go the better of her. We both lost so much, it was sad,
I recently discovered that someone I thought was a friend turned out to be a manipulating envious cow and yes, I said it. I discovered that this person had said some unkind words about me. Am I upset, no more angry. I can’t stand false people. The truth, she said it because she was jealous of the relationship I had with a mutual friend. I felt like I was back at school ‘you like her more than me’ the type of things children say to each other. It was pathetic and clearly childish.
I think envy and jealousy are one of the most dangerous straits a human being can possess. It leads to criminal activities, debt and loneliness. I want a new car because she has one, is a prime example of getting into debt. Stealing what another has because you can’t buy one, is criminal, but most of all, these emotions will push people away and you will find yourself alone. Therefore, what you hoped to achieve will back fire.
Live within your means be thankful for what you have and you will find your life will flourish and you will be surrounded by friends and family. Give into jealousy and envy and watch it all slip away.
Christmas is over, awww. I felt so happy and alive with all the beautiful decorations and twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. Part of me wanted to keep it up for the rest of 2019. The Christmas tree gave me a sense of hope. Maybe because the lights are on all the time and thought of not living in darkness even part of the time seems to me to be lucky.
We are told to take the decorations down on the 12th day, which to my calculations is the 5th January. Apparently, if we take it down even one minute after midnight it is considered as bad luck. The 6th January is Ephinay day also known as the three kings day. Which is when the Star of David led the three wise men to baby Jesus? So why is that bad luck?
If you look back in history, people use to decorate their homes with holy and ivy and it was believed that tree-spirits lived in the greenery. While the festive season provided shelter for these spirits during the winter, they needed to be released outside once Christmas was over. If this custom was not followed, greenery would not return and vegetation would not grow as a result. As I do not understand the former, I am inclined to believe the latter, whether it is true or not. This theory must have played a part in the rules about removing the decorations and has been distorted through the centuries.
Over the centuries, people have adhered to superstitions even though many believe that they are ridiculous, but why? Why do we make ourselves believe? Maybe and just maybe if we do not and something bad happens we will always think, if I had not walked under that ladder, this would not have happened.
It sounds unbelievable in this modern scientific society that we can still feel tide to such beliefs. Will I walk under a ladder? No way!!! I consider myself an intelligent person but every part of my being will still not allow me to do this.
In childhood, we learn to cross our fingers for good luck, why? Crossing ones fingers traditionally symbolises the cross and hence good luck. Without going in-depth in religion, Jesus died on the cross, how is that good luck? Many believe he was meant to die for our sins, so he could rise again and make believers of us all. Is that the point? However many of our children cross their fingers when they are about to tell a lie, is the cross-meant to protect them from the sin of that lie, protect them from the wrath of god. The truth is they do it out of habit, something they have learned.
Many of us have been told since childhood, don’t do that it is bad luck or hear adults say ‘touch wood or knock on wood’ for good luck. This superstition dates back centuries. Throughout history, many cultures believed trees were a home for spirits and mystical creatures. People often knocked on the bark of a tree or simply touched the trunk when calling on a spirit for a favour or a bit of good luck. Today, this superstitious knock for good luck is done on anything made of wood, not just trees.
We have been indoctrinated to believe by our family and friends since childhood in superstitions. Superstitions have been passed down through the centuries, but as we have become more educated through science, why do we still believe?
I understand the meaning of many of these superstitions but traditionally they were born out of ignorance and paganism. Some however have religious meaning and have indeed come from the bible, the Torah and the Quran to name a few. One such example in these holy scriptures talk about new beginnings and in the New year we should ensure our homes are clean from top to bottom. Where new clothes on New Year ’s Day, make sure you have something new in your home. This all symbolises a new beginning. Cleaning away the bad and opening your home and heart to the new.
However, there are so many other superstitions that we follow, which have no religious basis that I could find. So why do we follow them? Some superstitions do however make sense when you look for the alternative meanings?
Opening an umbrella indoors brings bad luck
There are a number of theories relating to this one. Some say it started in Egyptian times when umbrellas were used to protect people from the sun and if opened indoors was an insult to the sun god and hence the bad luck. Another theory dates back to England in the 18th century. At that time, large umbrellas with metal spokes became popular. Opening these big umbrellas indoors could hurt someone or break a nearby object and lead to arguments with friends or family. Therefore, people avoided opening umbrellas inside, and the superstition grew from there. Which one am I inclined to believe? The second, It makes sense, but if you are inclined to believe the first theory then who dishes out that bad luck? Can you not argue that the sun god would be insulted that you are protecting yourself from his rays by using an umbrella?
Placing your handbag on the floor
This is considered to be bad feng shui. Your purse is considered a symbol of your wealth and placing it on the floor is disrespectful. It is felt that you do not value your wealth. In China they say “a purse on the floor is money out the door” as the floor is the lowest point. Alternatively, could it simply be if you place your purse on the floor someone can easily steal it and yes bad luck because you lost your valuables?
Feng shui teaches us to declutter our homes and place furniture in a way to allow the proper flow of energy. Does this not simply mean uncluttering our minds and by doing so leads to better decisions. I have noticed when I clean my home and put things away, I feel free and my mind has more clarity. Again is this simple psychology.
So are these superstitions or simply common sense?
Moreover, there are so many superstitions that science has taught us that they simply do not make sense.
A horseshoe brings good luck
Horseshoes are believed to be a lucky charm in many cultures. Indeed, I use to have one. Over the years it has been misplaced by moving home. So why is the horseshoe lucky? In times of old, it was believed that iron was a magical metal as it can withstand fire and therefore many thought this gave iron horseshoes mystical powers and the ability to ward off bad luck. Some believed the horseshoe should point upwards like a “U” to collect good luck and prevent it from escaping, but others thought it should face down. That way, good luck could pour onto those who walked under it.
Breaking or cracking a mirror
Breaking a mirror causes a mess, simple as that. Many believe however that it will bring you seven years of bad luck, why because breaking a mirror makes a person’s reflection distorted and their soul would be damaged and hence seven years of bad luck. It would take seven long years for the soul to repair itself. Seriously people!!!!
Just to name a few others:
As I have stated in a previous article, if we have free will, do we not hinder that free will by believing in superstition. If we are the makers of our own destiny then surely common sense should prevail. The atheist among us may refer to god as superstitions nonsense something that is not real but who many still believe in. By believing in a higher being, does that not mean our destiny is pre-written or can we argue that god gave us free will and just guidance in how we use that free will? Science teaches us that superstitions are illogical. I guess there are so many different viewpoints but can you simply believe in both. Many superstitious beliefs are psychological, if we believe we will get better we do or if we believe that knocking on wood will give us good luck, it does. But it doesn’t in the way you think. You have a more positive outlook and therefore that makes us act differently and think differently. If you happen to walk under a ladder, for those who believe this is bad luck, you will all day be expecting something terrible to happen and bad luck may just befall you. This bad luck could simply be tripping on a paving stone or the pair shoes you were desperate to buy has been sold out. Is this bad luck? Or simply because you were not paying attention or simply the shoes just sold out.
My conclusion is simple if it makes you feel better than do it. Believe in what makes you feel stronger and makes you feel positive. In life, we should draw on the positives regardless whether those positives are deemed to others to be ridiculous.
I love and hate Sundays; Sunday’s for me is the lazy day. The day to listen to music or simply flicking through channels. So, why do I hate Sunday’s, simple, tomorrow is Monday? My son spent the morning with his grandmother and then meet a friend and go to the gym. It was a day of peace and tranquillity.
At approximately 5 pm the phone rang, and I knew it would be
my son telling me he was leaving the gym and will be home soon. This was one, of the rules;
I always needed to know where he was at all times and he followed these rules religiously. As I picked up the phone and heard his voice my heart sank. He told me that some teenage boys had attacked him and his friend after leaving the gym and they had taken refuge in Papa John and had subsequently telephoned the police. I did not process what had happened and made him repeat the story twice before I said ‘I’ll be there as quickly as I can, are you hurt?’ He replied ‘no’, but his friend had been punched in the face which broke his glasses and left a small cut by the side of his left eye. He told me that, I need not pick him up; he would be fine getting home.
35 hours in labour and this child thought he was inconveniencing me!!! Seriously, people, I do not run, Rani and running are never mentioned in the same sentence but I ran all the way and didn’t stop until I had him in my arms and the anger that built up inside of me dissipated as I held him in and cried. The relief to see my child was not physically harmed was overwhelming. I then cuddled and kissed his friend and felt so sorry about what had happened. You could see the child had been crying and my heart went out to him.
I wrote this in a previous article on motherhood and want to remind you of my thoughts.
‘In a world that is so dangerous and full of evil, why do we choose to bring an innocent life into it? Look outside your window, do you see children playing on the street, the way we did? No, we are afraid to allow our children out of our sight. This constant fear and worry can bring us to our knees. You constantly worry about how good a mother you are, are you doing and saying the right things to your child? Are you raising them the correct way? Is there a right or wrong answer to these questions? I believe you raise your children for the world, not for yourself. One day they will be out there on their own. However, what world are you raising them for? I bring up my child to be polite and considerate to others, we do not use any negative words, we do not swear, and then I hear some mothers telling their children to shut up or swearing at them on the street. Is that right? Who is right? My child is a tad oversensitive, am I raising him correctly? I do not know. The other children that are spoken to, in a manner, I would never speak to my child, will they be able to tackle the world better than mine? Will they grow up to be stronger than mine?’
What I wrote was true but have I raised my child to be a victim? He and his friend did the correct thing, they did not fight back, 5 against 2? Even I would run but I am so angry that I now feel that my parenting style is wrong. I question my abilities to be a good mother. Should I have raised my child to have a chip on his shoulder, to be foul-mouthed and walk around letting everyone know he can’t be messed or toyed with? Is this the right style, for this world? Will this protect him? The sad fact, there is no right or wrong answer.
The government statistics show that youth crime is at its all-time low but crimes involving knife violence is on the increase. Do I believe this? Yes, especially when young people do not report crimes against them. My son and his friend called the police and I for one will not allow these children to get away with a caution, should they be caught? Your actions have consequences. It is time we stop saying they are children. Did they see their actions as a childish prank? This was no prank, and this was a violent crime for no reason at all, were they simply bored?
Why should I bring up my child in a way that protects other people’s children but so many parents do not grant me the same courtesy? This child is mine, and these children tried to hurt what is mine. There is nothing in this world more dangerous than a mother protecting her young and this is how I felt. The anger building inside of me was something I had never felt before. I think it was that feeling of being weak that I could not protect my child.
If we bleed, do we not bleed the same colour? Are we not made the same way? Did God not make us in his image?
The bible states
“And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their pre-appointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, Iniquity in the bloodline traces back all the way to Adam”
So why was my child any less than them? Why was my child-targeted? Was he in the wrong place at the wrong time? If we are all made from one seed and have one bloodline why would you attack your family?
If you as a parent bring your child up to hate, which leads to violence, then this style of upbringing will never change the world’s mentality. You should be ashamed!!!! Our experiences in life determine the way we think but if you instill those negative thoughts on your impressionable children, do you not think, you as a parent are encouraging a pattern of behaviour. Where will it end? Be proud of who you are but be clever. Instill the importance of education and teach your children to keep their heads down and not to start trouble but should trouble, find them, be the ones to end it, end it yes, but not through violence, if they can avoid this. I am not blaming all parents for the conduct of their children but as parents; we need to take responsibility. Once those children become adults and we have instilled the meaning of right and wrong in them, then they have free will to adhere to those beliefs or not.
Gang mentality is a real issue and if it were one boy alone, would he have committed this crime? The chances are, no. The boys that did not take part are still culpable as the ones that did, they enticed the other to commit this offence. We live in a democratic society and democracy allows has certain freedoms. Did they not take my son’s democratic rights away from him? Part of that freedom allows has to go where we please and to do what we please within the confines of the law. My son and his friend went to the gym and then headed home. The few who chose ignorance and violence over intelligence had violated their freedom.
The police officer felt that this was an attempted mugging. However, who really knows? The outcome could have been far worse and I thank god for watching over these boys.
“You boys that did this, why would you want to be arrested and go to prison over something that achieved nothing. Do you not think a criminal record will destroy your futures? You have a myopic view of the world and this needs to change. If you choose to be a criminal, be a clever one. Go to prison knowing it was for something intelligent and not for something so petty like violence. Do you feel bigger or stronger because you attacked two innocent children? Does this make you feel like men? I think not, it makes you mentally weak and unintelligent. Grow up!!!! Be all you can be education is the key,"
Part of me feels I should keep my child close and watch over him all day and every day? Restricting his freedom to explore the world or at the very least, explore the surrounding towns without me, his mother watching his every move. Should I cover him in bubble wrap, to ensure he is never hurt? This would make me more comfortable but what would it do to him? What would happen to him when I am gone? I guess we need to trust we are raising them to tackle all that life throws at them, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I decided that my child would not be a victim. I encouraged him to continue life as normal. I made him attend school the next day. I had not used the find a friend app in so long but yes; I used it Monday morning and followed his every move. If I found him standing in one place too long, I was straight on the phone ‘why haven’t you moved, what is happening?’ I was that overprotective mother again and, I hated it. I trusted my child, but I trusted no one else’s children.
The truth, I don’t know why this happened? All I know, I have to now tread, carefully and ensure that my child does not feel afraid to leave the house. I have tried to instill independence and confidence in him and this one incident could change him and not for the better. He may decide not to be so polite, amenable, caring and sensitive to the needs of others; he may decide, to be the one that is feared. As much as I feel I may not have raised him well enough to tackle the evils outside our front door, I do not want him to turn out like these children.
I want my child to have a future and not a future in prison. I want people to look at him and say what a wonderful child, teenager and eventually, what a wonderful adult. Do you not want the same for your children?
Can't believe valentine’s day is almost here. Am I excited? No, not really. Is that due to being single? I don’t think so, I think that excitement left me during my twenties. I believe love should be shown all year round not just on this specific day and I do not mean receiving cards and gifts every day. Love is about the little things not the big gestures and expensive gifts.
Many think and complain that valentine’s day is a money making scheme and yes I agree but one could also argue Christmas and Easter is the same. It is lovely to have this one day, sure, but imagine all the disappointments that go with it. ‘My boyfriend forgot’ or ‘he failed to book the restaurant’ or ‘all he gave me was a card’ these are typical complaints that I have heard over the last few decades. Ladies!!!! Why should he be the one to do everything? Love works both ways so why do many women typically see Valentine’s Day as the man’s duty to express his love for the woman in his life.
Have you ever wondered how this day became Valentine’s Day? I have and until now never really looked into it. Well! History does not provide us with a clear answer to this question but this is what I discovered:
Many people believe that it all started during the times of the pre-Roman empire. Now wait for it…….. goats and dogs were sacrificed at an altar as an offering. Then people were covered in the blood, which was then cleaned off with wool soaked in milk. Oh, it gets better, then they feasted on the animals and once their tummies were full, they took the skins of these poor animals and ran around naked while whipping people with them. Classy!!!!
Believe it or not? It even gets better than that. They then had what I can only describe as a lottery; during the festival, the men picked names of women out of a jar and copulated with them throughout the remainder of the festival. Seriously people!!!
You will be happy to here, it doesn’t stop there, and then came the Catholic Church, do I hear the applauds? Who clearly were not into the whole sacrificing of animals, bathing in blood, running around in your birthday suit and the sex thing, so Pope Gelasius decided in his wisdom to start a new holiday, paganism had to go!!!
He was hoping to make people forget or at the very least and I quote “Stop smackin’ bitches with dead animals“ Now, this is where it becomes a little more complicated. There were two men named Valentine who were killed, I believe a year apart, and died as martyrs. The Roman emperor at the time was executing so many Christians the chances were pretty good that the Pope could use two men called Valentine and thus outlawed the ”smackin’ bitches with dead animals” actually called the festival of Lupercalia. It then became known as St Valentine’s Day.
A very quick background on the two Valentine men. The first was a priest and he was executed for conducting marriages between Christians and then you have another story that the second was executed for conducting marriages between soldiers and their intended spouses as Emperor Claudius II felt that men made better soldiers when they were single. The truth, so many men named Valentine existed, I think even a Pope was named Valentine. In fact, many believe it was based on one man. What is the true story? Who knows? The Catholic Church simply chose this man turned him into a saint and voila!!! St Valentine’s Day came about to eventually smack us in the face and indeed make a whole in our pockets.
In the middle ages the Normans continued the pagan tradition calling it, Galatin’s Day, as they still wanted to get their s**t on. Nice!!! I guess they didn’t want to give up the whole orgy thing.
Finally, the day evolved into romantic love.
The first known written romantic words were used by King Richard II’s engagement to Anne of Bohemia. Chaucer wrote the poem and I have translated an extract.
For this was on St. Valentine’s Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.
This is when Valentine’s Day became associated with love. Now, if you read the extract from the poem above, it was believed by many that the birds mating season was around February 14th. Who knew!!!! They were not far wrong though. I guess mating was associated with love.
There are also more examples of love letters sent during this time, which I will not go into, who needs another history lesson?
So, what can I say? I bet you will never see Valentine’s Day the same way again.
Even as I write this, mental pictures of nakedness, whippings with animal skins and sex are polluting my mind. I am trying very hard to include the presenting of flowers and chocolates and I have to say, it really does not fit the scene.
Therefore, when you think chocolates, flowers and that romantic meal out, try to forget the whipping, the blood, the martyrdom and the sex. Okay, okay you can remember the sex with the one you love only!!! Remember people it is not a lottery.
All jokes aside, Valentine’s Day can however be a romantic time of year, if we forget the commercialism and ignore the whole orgy thing. Valentine’s Day should be every day of the year and not just on the 14th February. This does not entail spending money. It really is the little things that you do for each other, expressions of love can simply be a kind word or a kiss and a cuddle and if your partner does not appreciate these little gestures and expects you to spend money, then I’m sorry to say people!!! You’re with the wrong person.
Love is not about money and I for one prefer a little kind gesture every day to an expensive gift once a year and then forgotten about for the remainder of the year.
However, the whole idea of Valentine’s Day is to dedicate that one day a year that reminds us of love and romance. It reminds us how to show affection to the one we love and hopefully, that is remembered throughout the year.
Happy Valentine’s Day
In last week’s article, I wrote about the gift of being a mother. However, there is also another side, a side that many of us will not voice, a side that we constantly think about and ask god to forgive us, for even thinking about it.
My life was once amazing; I had a husband an amazing job and travelled the world with no responsibility. It felt like overnight my life changed dramatically. My son was born, two years later my marriage failed, the recession hit and I lost my business.
I was left with nothing except the responsibility of my beautiful baby boy. Did I resent it yes!!! My ex-husband’s family asked many times to let them look after him until I could get back on my feet and I said no.
When I think about those dark days part of me wished I took them up on the offer. Am I being selfish, absolutely but I honestly believe I would have been better for it. My son is a lot older now and life has become simpler but when he was younger the constant playing chauffeur, the constant worrying about him, the constant daily repetition can be debilitating. Children can suck the life out of you, you lose your identity, and you forget that you are a woman. Life becomes a constant battle to keep your sanity. Every day we watch the news or pick up a newspaper and we hear or read about evil. Murder, paedophilia and children going missing etc. A day does not go by when you don’t read or hear about abuse after abuse. Why do we choose to bring children into this world? Do we not add more stress to our lives? Is it fair to them? Maybe consider those mothers who can’t cope, those who abandon their children? Motherhood is totally selfless but not all are built to be selfless.
You need to be so strong to be a mother in this world. You need to give up who you are to take on this responsibility. If I had it all to do again, knowing what I know now, would I have done it? No!!! I love my child so much and would not give him up for the world now he is here but if I knew the hardships, I would not have had him. If later in my life, I wanted to be a mother I would have adopted.
Do I resent motherhood? Yes sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like he ended my freedom and I’ll never be free again. I can never be free from the shackles around my ankles. I am in an abyss of constant worry and guilt that I am not good enough as a mother and forever tormented by what he will be become. I have visions of so much I wanted to do with my life but cannot.
I am not saying that the world should stop reproducing all I am saying there are enough children who need a home without the need to fuel our forever longing to have one of our own.
Some pay thousands on fertility treatments, they would use a surrogate but they won’t adopt? What is that really saying? Is that a terrible thing to say to someone who cannot have children?
Give me one compelling reason to have a child that is not selfish?
I was never afraid to die before I became a mother. Now I am terrified, what will happen to my child? It is a life sentence of someone sucking you dry and you cannot walk away. So you just carry on and if you are honest with yourself, is this what you wanted? Yes, someone to love? But in this world?
You are totally responsible for another person’s welfare, physical and emotional wellbeing, one wrong sentence can wreck their lives. They are so fragile. Why does anyone want the burden of that responsibility? What do you feel for the mother of the child who was stabbed or the mother of the boy who did the stabbing? Both are slaves to their children. One failing to protect her child and the other forever blaming herself for the way her child turned out.
Why allow another human to have that level of control to constantly mind f*** you. Children do that, its voluntary enslavement. You are slaves to their emotions, slaves to their wellbeing, slaves to the daily chores, slaves to term times when they are still at school and slaves to your lack of freedom.
Yes they are cute when they are little; they have to be otherwise you wouldn’t want them. However, as they age, yes you love them but at what price to yourself? Having a child is selfish when there are so many out there, who need a home, who need love. Why have one of your own? So you can create a legacy. Because of what you believe, it will bring to you. But what are you bringing your child into? This world? Is this world the right place for your child? Look around why would you bring anyone into this hell hole? It’s just because you want someone to love? Isn’t that selfish?
So many couples today have children and as soon as they are born they are in a nursery. Why have children? Is it due to the cost of living, that two wages are necessary in order to live, to pay a mortgage to continue the same life style you enjoyed before having that baby. I was told about a couple who are in the legal profession. Their baby is four months old now and has been attending a nursery since he turned two months old. He attends 6 hours a day. What is the point? Being a parent is about sacrifice and clearly a sacrifice many are unwilling to give. So why bring that child into the world? A baby is not an accessory.
Last week’s article attracted many comments, that it was very one sided and yes I agree it was. Maybe when I wrote it I was particularly happy with my life and I forgot about the dark side of being a mother. As a mother, you have to filter everything that comes out of your mouth even in anger when speaking to your child. What you say to them can affect them so deeply and can stay with them for the rest of their lives. Last summer, I was angry with my son and I said ‘if I didn’t have you my life would have been so different’ how those words upset him and as soon as I said it I wished I could take it back. We all do this, what I was thinking came out of my mouth and it should not have done. A friend of mine said to her 7 year old when she refused to go to sleep ‘I wish someone would come and take you away’ this little girl cried for days thinking a stranger would take her away. We say and do things due to stress and without thinking. Is this fair on a child? No!!!
As a little girl, I was given dolls to play with and I am sure many of you were, we were being groomed to become mothers. Why do we see it as a natural course of growing up? I have given up most of my youth to bring up this child and yes at times I greatly resent it. I was unable to go out, unable to date, unable to have 5 mins of peace just for me and unable to buy the things I want. Every waking moment was about my child, every broken sleep was due to his needs.
In a world that is so dangerous and full of evil, why do we choose to bring an innocent life into it? Look outside your window, do you see children playing on the street, the way we did? No, we are afraid to allow our children out of our sight. This constant fear and worry can bring us to our knees. You constantly worry about how good a mother you are, are you doing and saying the right things to your child. Are you raising them the correct way? Is there a right or wrong answer to these questions? I believe you raise your children for the world not for yourself. One day they will be out there on their own. However, what world are you raising them for? I bring up my child to be polite and considerate to others, we do not use any negative words, we do not swear, and then I hear some mothers telling their children to shut up or swearing at them on the street. Is this right? Who is right? My child is a tad over sensitive am I raising him correctly. I do not know. The other children that are spoken to in a way I would never speak to my child, will they be able to tackle the world better than mine. Will they grow up to be stronger than mine?
I wrote about loving a child because we gave birth to them but would you not love a child that you have chosen to adopt. Of course, you would. We don’t give birth to our pets but we love and care for them as much as we do for our children, therefore why do we simply not adopt a child, why bring more into this world.
When I was at the lowest point in my life, it was my child that got me out of bed, the thought of him that kept me going. But that’s not right. Children should not be the reason to keep you going but for many they are. Children are a gift whether you have given birth to them or not. All children should be loved equally.
Just writing this I feel guilty about the way I feel at times but to hide those feelings can be wrong and can make you resent your child even more. Raising a child comes with a lifetime responsibility, are you ready for it? The heartache, the stress, the worrying, the sacrifice, the joy and the happiness.
Both articles are true and I think we as mothers should be honest in the way we feel.
What does it mean to be a mother? Most of us choose to become mothers and that choice comes with great responsibility. The children you having given birth to, are not property, it is not like buying a handbag and when you become tired of it or it becomes too old you can throw it away. That child you have given birth to, that child you chose to have is a lifetime responsibility.
Children are a gift and a gift, which should be treasured all your life. Eventually these children become adults and thus become independent but never truly independent. To you they will always be your babies and for them they will always run to you in times of need. You as a mother will give and give regardless and when they become parents only then will they understand what you have given up for them and what you have done for them.
Motherhood is also a gift and it is a gift that keeps giving. As you see your child take his or her first step, the first time you hear the word mummy, when those little arms stretch out for you, their first play at school, and their first certificate for excellence and so on. You know you did that, you are moulding them to who they will become.
I am not belittling fathers, father can play a large role in a child’s life but let’s not forget it is we as mothers that carry that child and feel every kick, every discomfort through pregnancy and the pain of child birth. The relationship we have with our child is different to that of a father. We have a connection that no father will ever understand. Most of us will go without to ensure that our child receives everything we can possibly give them. It is our pleasure to see our child thrive and knowing we have done everything in our power to ensure that they succeed, is the greatest gift of all.
My mother once said if my children do better than me in life then I have done a good job. I understood what she meant but being a mother is not a job!!! Your children are part of you, they are an extension of you. When that child is growing inside of you, it is your body that feeds them and nourishes them. How can you not see them as part of you?
We want our children to grow up independent but in today’s society it is harder for children to go out in the world. The cost of living has soared, the cost of renting or buying a home has become so expensive that it is out of the reach of many. Therefore, we help them as much as we can and that is part of motherhood and being a parent. After I left home, I would still run back to my mother whenever I felt the need to, I needed that comfort, her arms around me and that sense of security. As an adult the roles change slightly but her role of making me feel safe and loved did not change at that time.
I remember trying to get home on a cold winters evening. I must have been 11 or 12 years old. I waited for a bus that seemed to take a lifetime and decided to walk, it started to snow and I could no longer feel my hands, my feet and my face was numb. As I reached the top of our street, I saw my mother, who had become extremely worried, as I had not yet arrived home. She put her arms around me and suddenly I felt this warmth surge through my body. That is the warmth of love.
It is unconditional love; you will always love what you brought into the world, what you nurtured. You may not always like your children now and then but you will always love them and always do for them, even when they have children of their own.
I use to live next door to a father and son. I assumed the son contributed to the household, as he was working, but what I did not know until he told me. He paid rent to his father and contributed towards the bills. He had to buy his own food and when he told me at the end of the month, he could not wait to be paid as he was low on food, I didn’t understand this at all. In my culture, majority of parents do not charge their children to live at home. We as children contributed because we chose to and those that don’t, have not been raised properly. Sorry to offend anyone but that’s how I feel. My mother never asked, she wanted us to save as much as we could in order to buy our first home. We as her children made the decision to take over the responsibility of the bills and food shopping but this only happened when we started to work.
When we started to earn a living it was our pleasure to do for her what she had done for us. I think this way of thinking is about upbringing, the way you are brought up. The love of a mother is an amazing thing and the love you give as a mother cannot be described. The feeling of love holding your child in your arms is overwhelming. Unless you are a mother, you can never understand what it means.
Do you remember as children when you were hurt due to a fall or you cut yourself? What was the first word that came out of your mouth ‘MUM’. Admittedly, I still do that today. When I have sudden pain, I shout out for my mother even though she can’t hear me. It is natural, we as children, no matter our ages, we run to our mother’s for comfort, to kiss the pain away and truly you do feel like the pain has gone or has subsided. I know it is all psychological but that is the feeling of a mother’s comfort and a mother’s love.
My son does it all the time, he runs into my arms when he needs the warmth of my love. My 12 year old is almost 5ft 10in and trusts me when I say he still sits on my lap or lies on top of me for a cuddle. There are times I lose all blood circulation and I swear I’m going positively blue, but I know as his mother he needs this comfort and I don’t complain. If he has a nightmare, I can hear him call me even though I am asleep and I instantly awake to comfort him. I can see and feel how he is feeling, even when he tries to hide it from me. This is what motherhood is all about.
Some parents believe that when their children reaches adulthood that they should go off on their own, leave home and make their way in life, whether they are ready for it or not. I respect their beliefs but I think they are wrong. A child needs to feel ready to leave and only then will they truly succeed in life.
Their success is our success. If we push them too quickly and they fall, who will pick up the pieces? We will, is it not easier to help them until they are ready? Let them cut the apron strings, not us. I become teary just thinking about my child one day leaving home, he will no longer be in the next room but when he is ready, I will let him go and encourage him. I will also let him know I will always be here and the door is always open. I will make him understand that he will not have to face the hurdles of life on his own. His mother will always be here physically or in his heart.
We as mothers will die for our children, we will go without to ensure they are fed and clothed. Being a mother is a gift from god. Do not throw away that gift away and how you treat that gift will determine how they treat their children. Do you not think that love will produce generations after generations of love?
I have heard said ‘when they are babies your arm aches and when they grow up your heart aches’. I welcome my whole body to ache for my child. Would I give up being a mother? Not for anything in the world!!! When it is time to meet my maker, I will close my eyes in peace in the knowledge that I have prepared my child for the world, no matter how long it took me. Knowing that my love will go on and on and I was truly blessed to be given this gift from god.
Last week was a strange week for me; I grew a pair, so out of character for me. I am one of those people that like to please others. I rarely use the word NO and do things for other people with no appreciation or reciprocation. Some of you may recognise this.
What do I expect? I expect people to offer me help for nothing, to recognise when I’m feeling overwhelmed and need help. Why should I be the one to ask for help, when I do so much for them? Friendship is a two-way street. Lately, I’ve been feeling used and unappreciated. I plucked up the courage to say something and it did not go down well.
Why are people like this? They are so self-absorbed that they do not recognise the feelings of others. Sometimes I wonder are they even listening or do they pretend they are interested but don’t absorb the information.
What kind of character must a person have to be so self-absorbed? How does this happen?
Definition: Someone who is self-absorbed thinks so much about things concerning themselves that they do not notice other people or the things around them.
I’ve heard said, that self-absorbed people are self-centred, selfish and only care about their own needs. I’ve thought about this long and hard. Sometimes things happen in life which are beyond our control and when bad things happen one after another, you can’t help but be self-absorbed. However, I think if you value a person’s friendship then you need to step up and realise that this person is a human being and has limits, realise that this person also has needs and needs comfort and help.
I have read that self-centred individual are more grounded; they can give more to others and have the potential to be even more generous and to make even greater contributions. I believe this and yes I have experienced this in the past. However, I also believe that these people can be so wrapped up in their own woes they forget about their own true character. They forget how a friendship developed, a true friendship. A friendship that may have developed through mutual interests, laughter and or sadness and to forget how your friendship developed and ignore or be oblivious to the very foundation of that friendship is heart-breaking.
I am my star sign, a crab. I’m hard on the outside and soft inside. This describes me exactly but when you chip away at my hard exterior, I will eventually, break. I noticed this last week and I think I had too much on my plate and I could take no more. I realised that I am too amenable and say yes too often. I feel guilty simply saying NO! I hate hurting other people by saying ‘No’ but some people can take advantage of this.
In a friendship, both parties need to recognise that, it works both ways. I think because I have done so much, I’ve allowed the other person to depend on me and that is my mistake. It is easy to come to me first, without sitting down and thinking for themselves. I should be a sounding board, not their mother, not the decision maker. I have failed to make certain people independent; I have failed to teach them to deal with their problems. Instead, it has been so easy and quick for me to just take over and this has been my ultimate mistake. I am an enabler and this trait is my downfall.
I have been reading this amazing book called Anxious To Please by James Rapson and Craig English. I would be interested if any of you recognise the traits stated in the book.
· Apologise frequently or for things you are not responsible for
· Get preoccupied with what other people think of you
· Become unhappy when your partner isn’t happy
· Feel worried or fretful so often it seems normal
· Often not know what you want
· Constantly second-guessing yourself
Well, I recognise all of these; it was like this book was written about me. I am the ‘chronically nice’. I will not repeat everything in this book but what was interesting reading it, I realised I need to be me, my true persona or at least the persona I believe is true, to other people and I don’t mean the person who is always anxious to please. I mean the person who I am, the confident and sometimes hard individual, which only comes out when I’m pushed to the limit. Yes, the persona that will also burst into tears because I can’t control my emotions and those tears quickly dissipate until anger takes its place and when the anger is cleared, confidence rears its head. Once I have reached this stage, I suddenly have clarity and realise enough is enough and being anxious to please is not good for my health or my wellbeing. Allowing the anger and disappointment to build inside of me and bottling it up is not good for one’s health and if you do this as I do, eventually when you can take no more and everything comes out at once, you may find you have lost a friend.
We all want to be liked and loved and hence some of us feel we cannot say NO!!! Or say ‘do it yourself’ or simply ‘I’m too busy to do this for you’ but if your friends, family or partners are offended by you saying ‘no!’ once in a while, then they are not the people to be around. You are not always going to say no but there has to be a limit, a line needs to be drawn. I realised I needed to draw that line.
I need to stop being an enabler, I am struggling with the stress experienced by co-dependents and these co-dependents have become addicted to my enabling trait. This type of relationship does not lead to a healthy or satisfying friendship. The co-dependents may not realise this straight away but the relationship has become one-sided.
Do I feel guilty, yes I do but with time I will conquer this. It will make me a better person and maybe it will make other people respect me for the things I have done and will continue to do. Maybe they will learn to stand on their own two feet.
By helping myself, I will help others.