In last week’s article, I wrote about the gift of being a mother. However, there is also another side, a side that many of us will not voice, a side that we constantly think about and ask god to forgive us, for even thinking about it.
My life was once amazing; I had a husband an amazing job and travelled the world with no responsibility. It felt like overnight my life changed dramatically. My son was born, two years later my marriage failed, the recession hit and I lost my business.
I was left with nothing except the responsibility of my beautiful baby boy. Did I resent it yes!!! My ex-husband’s family asked many times to let them look after him until I could get back on my feet and I said no.
When I think about those dark days part of me wished I took them up on the offer. Am I being selfish, absolutely but I honestly believe I would have been better for it. My son is a lot older now and life has become simpler but when he was younger the constant playing chauffeur, the constant worrying about him, the constant daily repetition can be debilitating. Children can suck the life out of you, you lose your identity, and you forget that you are a woman. Life becomes a constant battle to keep your sanity. Every day we watch the news or pick up a newspaper and we hear or read about evil. Murder, paedophilia and children going missing etc. A day does not go by when you don’t read or hear about abuse after abuse. Why do we choose to bring children into this world? Do we not add more stress to our lives? Is it fair to them? Maybe consider those mothers who can’t cope, those who abandon their children? Motherhood is totally selfless but not all are built to be selfless.
You need to be so strong to be a mother in this world. You need to give up who you are to take on this responsibility. If I had it all to do again, knowing what I know now, would I have done it? No!!! I love my child so much and would not give him up for the world now he is here but if I knew the hardships, I would not have had him. If later in my life, I wanted to be a mother I would have adopted.
Do I resent motherhood? Yes sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like he ended my freedom and I’ll never be free again. I can never be free from the shackles around my ankles. I am in an abyss of constant worry and guilt that I am not good enough as a mother and forever tormented by what he will be become. I have visions of so much I wanted to do with my life but cannot.
I am not saying that the world should stop reproducing all I am saying there are enough children who need a home without the need to fuel our forever longing to have one of our own.
Some pay thousands on fertility treatments, they would use a surrogate but they won’t adopt? What is that really saying? Is that a terrible thing to say to someone who cannot have children?
Give me one compelling reason to have a child that is not selfish?
I was never afraid to die before I became a mother. Now I am terrified, what will happen to my child? It is a life sentence of someone sucking you dry and you cannot walk away. So you just carry on and if you are honest with yourself, is this what you wanted? Yes, someone to love? But in this world?
You are totally responsible for another person’s welfare, physical and emotional wellbeing, one wrong sentence can wreck their lives. They are so fragile. Why does anyone want the burden of that responsibility? What do you feel for the mother of the child who was stabbed or the mother of the boy who did the stabbing? Both are slaves to their children. One failing to protect her child and the other forever blaming herself for the way her child turned out.
Why allow another human to have that level of control to constantly mind f*** you. Children do that, its voluntary enslavement. You are slaves to their emotions, slaves to their wellbeing, slaves to the daily chores, slaves to term times when they are still at school and slaves to your lack of freedom.
Yes they are cute when they are little; they have to be otherwise you wouldn’t want them. However, as they age, yes you love them but at what price to yourself? Having a child is selfish when there are so many out there, who need a home, who need love. Why have one of your own? So you can create a legacy. Because of what you believe, it will bring to you. But what are you bringing your child into? This world? Is this world the right place for your child? Look around why would you bring anyone into this hell hole? It’s just because you want someone to love? Isn’t that selfish?
So many couples today have children and as soon as they are born they are in a nursery. Why have children? Is it due to the cost of living, that two wages are necessary in order to live, to pay a mortgage to continue the same life style you enjoyed before having that baby. I was told about a couple who are in the legal profession. Their baby is four months old now and has been attending a nursery since he turned two months old. He attends 6 hours a day. What is the point? Being a parent is about sacrifice and clearly a sacrifice many are unwilling to give. So why bring that child into the world? A baby is not an accessory.
Last week’s article attracted many comments, that it was very one sided and yes I agree it was. Maybe when I wrote it I was particularly happy with my life and I forgot about the dark side of being a mother. As a mother, you have to filter everything that comes out of your mouth even in anger when speaking to your child. What you say to them can affect them so deeply and can stay with them for the rest of their lives. Last summer, I was angry with my son and I said ‘if I didn’t have you my life would have been so different’ how those words upset him and as soon as I said it I wished I could take it back. We all do this, what I was thinking came out of my mouth and it should not have done. A friend of mine said to her 7 year old when she refused to go to sleep ‘I wish someone would come and take you away’ this little girl cried for days thinking a stranger would take her away. We say and do things due to stress and without thinking. Is this fair on a child? No!!!
As a little girl, I was given dolls to play with and I am sure many of you were, we were being groomed to become mothers. Why do we see it as a natural course of growing up? I have given up most of my youth to bring up this child and yes at times I greatly resent it. I was unable to go out, unable to date, unable to have 5 mins of peace just for me and unable to buy the things I want. Every waking moment was about my child, every broken sleep was due to his needs.
In a world that is so dangerous and full of evil, why do we choose to bring an innocent life into it? Look outside your window, do you see children playing on the street, the way we did? No, we are afraid to allow our children out of our sight. This constant fear and worry can bring us to our knees. You constantly worry about how good a mother you are, are you doing and saying the right things to your child. Are you raising them the correct way? Is there a right or wrong answer to these questions? I believe you raise your children for the world not for yourself. One day they will be out there on their own. However, what world are you raising them for? I bring up my child to be polite and considerate to others, we do not use any negative words, we do not swear, and then I hear some mothers telling their children to shut up or swearing at them on the street. Is this right? Who is right? My child is a tad over sensitive am I raising him correctly. I do not know. The other children that are spoken to in a way I would never speak to my child, will they be able to tackle the world better than mine. Will they grow up to be stronger than mine?
I wrote about loving a child because we gave birth to them but would you not love a child that you have chosen to adopt. Of course, you would. We don’t give birth to our pets but we love and care for them as much as we do for our children, therefore why do we simply not adopt a child, why bring more into this world.
When I was at the lowest point in my life, it was my child that got me out of bed, the thought of him that kept me going. But that’s not right. Children should not be the reason to keep you going but for many they are. Children are a gift whether you have given birth to them or not. All children should be loved equally.
Just writing this I feel guilty about the way I feel at times but to hide those feelings can be wrong and can make you resent your child even more. Raising a child comes with a lifetime responsibility, are you ready for it? The heartache, the stress, the worrying, the sacrifice, the joy and the happiness.
Both articles are true and I think we as mothers should be honest in the way we feel.